Billy on Billie
by Tom Chandler

Once in a while, as you may know, there is some kind of justice in the world. In the music biz, that justice doesn’t come often, but when it comes it is sweet. Even if it’s the small victories that you have to relish as opposed to big victories like your favorite indie band becoming the next U2.

Here’s my victory for now, and believe me, it’ll keep me going for a while. (that’s a little window into my psyche for you)

The background: Many big record companies have a huge back catalog of recordings that they have bought and paid for long ago. This can mean anything from last years minor hit that no-one wants any more to the first recordings of Caruso on metal cylinder. Mostly, when things become “catalog” that means they get cheaper. Not so in the case of Metallica or the Rolling Stones or the Beatles, but that’s because they can get away with it. Right? So far so good.

Catalog can also be a huge liability. By its very nature, it doesn’t “move units” the way the latest 50 Cent does. But if you want to keep it in print (and generating profit, remember it’s already bought and paid for), you have to sit on a certain amount of stock that doesn’t turn over as fast as Fittie. Conversely, the decision to retire a title from being in print means you own something that is earning no money. It’s like having an empty lot in downtown San Francisco.

Periodically, the big guys decide to try to goose sales a little on their catalog. They do things like reissue a title with bonus tracks or new liner notes or remastered. This involves a little more expenditure, but it pays for itself because it makes people want to buy that title again. Another way to skin this cat is to put out compilations. In the jazz world, compilations are coming out of everybody’s ears and there seems to be no end. You get everything from “Jazz for Lovers” to “John Zorn for Lovers” to “Wayne Shorter picks the best of Lester Young” to simple best ofs. Does it matter that many musicians put out albums and wanted them to be out that way? Does it matter that the best way to enjoy John Coltrane is to actually listen to a John Coltrane album, not some sickenly repackaged compilation that exists simply to sucker a few more dollars out of the gullible consumer?

Getting to the point, here’s my current favorite: Billy Remembers Billie. Yes. Billy Crystal Remembers Billie Holiday. It’s not totally off, as Crystal’s uncle Milt Gabler did produce some Billie Holiday sessions. I’m sure Mr. Crystal really does revere his uncle and love Billie Holiday’s music. I believe the press kit that says that he got to see her in concert, something I myself am too young to have done.

But you can see the wheels in motion. “Billy Remembers Billie” is just too convenient a title. Pretend he wasn’t a celebrity, that he was Billy Nobody, whose uncle produced Billy Holiday. Would it matter what he thought? Does it matter what I think? Is my evaluation of Billie Holiday any worse than Crystal’s?

Am I missing something here? Is Billy Crystal really an internationally known jazz expert? Clint Eastwood, yeah, we know he likes jazz. Bill Cosby too. They’ve both “authorized” CD compilations or concerts and done OK. But you have to build up your credibility before you do that. And I don’t think anyone ever expects Clint Eastwood’s jazz concert to be a big seller. So: Billy Remembers Billie?

Here’s a nickel. Call someone who cares. Because the public didn’t. And there, finally, is the justice. A compilation with even less reason for existence than Coltrane For Lovers, and it actually didn’t sell well. Here at Rasputin Music, we do a respectable business selling jazz. Perhaps we’re not the right market, having customers who actually know who Billie Holiday is and who don’t need random celebrities to tell them who she is. Perhaps if we were Mainstream Record Mart in the Westfork Mall in Backwater USA, we’d sell it. But now that Ken Burns is over, those people don’t even know jazz exists, and no amount of Billy Crystal is going to convince them.

A Billie Holiday reissue isn’t anticipated to be big business, but it’s going to be stocked. She is Billie Holiday, after all. Rasputin has seven stores, some of which sell jazz better than others. The CD came out in January. How many did we sell? Two.

And those two people brought it back when they found out Billy Crystal wrote the liner notes (I wish that had actually happened). No, they were just stupid. But chainwide to sell two copies is pretty sad, especially given a whole 8 months to do it in.

We win! That's what it means, right? The lame-ass marketing wogs underestimated us! Oh my goodness, the PUBLIC ISN’T TOTALLY STUPID. Kinda surprising, huh? I hope somebody got fired for this one, or at least a severe reprimand: “What were you thinking, Jones? You can’t market jazz that way! We didn’t greenlight it! I don’t remember giving you the OK! Oh, you have the go-ahead memo? Well, you’re supposed to disregard actual proof that we all thought it would sell! I mean, everyone knows that you have to put naked girls on the cover in order to sell Billie Holiday. Billy Crystal isn’t even bankable box office anymore! When are you going to learn, Jones?”

Yes, we win. Well, forget about the Pussycat Dolls for a second. I want to enjoy this moment. I'm going to go pour myself a stiff drink and put on Lady in Satin.