 
The hardest thing about having hobbies is that people can and will judge you for having them. Whale-watching: normal. Flame-throwing: slightly less so. And admitting that you watch porn, even in this most liberated of towns, is still enough for people to look at you sideways – or, if you’re a girl, a little speculatively. What those of us of the Sex and the City generation are only beginning to realize is that sexiness doesn’t have to be crass or overdone. It doesn’t have to involve silicone or blondes. Classes like pole-dancing and burlesque dancing have become available even on college campuses, and a whole new set of young women is learning how to define their sexuality in terms that don’t involve catch-phrases or numbers. As movies like The Opening of Misty Beethoven demonstrate, it is possible to be sexy and to be smart, compassionate and funny at the same time. We have an important tradition at my house, which started on the most boring Friday night of my life. My roommate decided that the only thing that could possibly entertain people this bored was drink beer and watch Debbie Does Dallas. My previous experience with porn hadn’t led me to expect very much, but I had nothing else to do, and it involved beer, and, surprise, it turned out to be entertaining. So much so, in fact, that we did it again on another night, and thus was Golden Age Night born. Porn’s golden age was in the late sixties and early seventies, before plastic surgery became something that you could get done in between your hair and shoe-shopping appointments. It features, among other things, real bodies. Just as today, burlesque dancing attempts to elevate a traditionally lowbrow art form (Scarlett Johansen takes classes!), golden age filmmakers such as Radley Metzger attempted to make good films, that only coincidentally happened to involve sex. We’ve all gotten the wrong idea about golden age filmmakers from movies like Boogie Nights, which was the feature film on one Golden Age Night and which made us all very, very sad. Boogie Nights is about a would-be young actor who ends up making smutty movies and getting ruined by sex, drugs and rock and roll. The movie conveys the idea that people who end up in porn do so because they weren’t good enough to succeed anywhere else, which in some cases just isn’t true. The cinematographer in The Opening of Misty Beethoven, for example, ended up winning an Oscar a few months later (although he did his porn work under a different name). Misty Beethoven’s actors wear recognizable name-brand designers – one scene features Misty in a Chanel suit! – and has sets in Paris and Rome. Most of all, however, the script for The Opening of Misty Beethoven has a plot and a wit that I, a certified literature major from a celebrated American university, can understand and appreciate. The plot: best-selling author and sex expert Seymour Love – tell me that isn’t brilliant! – is accosted by cheap hooker Misty Beethoven in a movie theater in Paris. He’s grossed out by her proposition, but intrigued by her raw appeal, and makes a bet with his best friend Geraldine that he can turn Misty Beethoven into the toast of the town, the next Golden Rod Girl, as awarded by high-faluting magazine editor Lawrence Layman. The movie wanders through exquisite sets – art galleries, Seymour’s luxurious and very seventies-mod New York apartment, opera houses – in which Misty undergoes some pretty raunchy and original training montages. As Misty comes closer and closer to winning the bet for him, Seymour finds himself falling in love with her. Any English major worth his salt can tell you: this is the plotline to “Pygmalion and Galatea”, which was made into a musical with My Fair Lady and into another movie called Pretty Woman, which, as you may recall, also involved a hooker. The Opening of Misty Beethoven, however, is sexier than those movies, obviously. Surprisingly enough, it is also funnier – such as the opening sequence, when Misty Beethoven talks to Seymour for the first time. “Misty isn’t my real name,” she tells him. “I changed it to sound more important.” “From what?” Seymour asks. “Dolores Beethoven.” I thought this was hilarious. Okay, so maybe I’m stupid. So why watch Misty Beethoven instead of Pretty Woman? Because edgy art forms can tackle more edgy material. Because Misty Beethoven is so well-made, and yet also a porn, it can tackle issues that I was surprised to see in a movie dating all the way back to 1976. Not the endless number of sex acts – in fact, my friend remarked that those were the only parts that got a little boring. But long before Will & Grace, Misty Beethoven deals with taboo topics such as adultery, homosexuality, cross-dressing, and male-female power relationships in a way that’s surprisingly liberated for its time. At this time, Mary Tyler Moore was making shockwaves as an independent woman living alone in New York City. Misty Beethoven, on the other hand, was living alone in New York City, Paris and Rome. She has an affair with a gay man, who is actually gay – am I the only one who never, ever wants to see Will or Jack getting it on? – and manages to maintain a friendship with her lover’s wife. And in the end, she falls for Seymour. The Opening of Misty Beethoven is in fact a love story, which doesn’t ignore the fact that love does sometimes involve sex. And aren’t most of us happy that it does, and that we don’t sleep in separate beds, like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo? How did they explain how Lucy got pregnant on that show, anyway, by budding? But I get on my high horse whenever I talk about sexual liberation. The fact of the matter is, that the only good reason for having any hobby is that you enjoy it, and I do. It’s not just because I like watching raunchy material, but also because I appreciate wit wherever it’s found, and the darker and more obscure the place, the better. The Opening of Misty Beethoven is funny, and I recommend it. Just not while your parents are around. |
Pygmalion
and the City