The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
(Paramount)

I had heard all the controversy swirling around Spongebob these past months, but had never actually seen the show, so I decided to do some investigative journalism and find out the truth: Is Spongebob Squarepants gay? The first thing I discovered, was that SS and his buddies live underwater in a place called “Bikini Bottom” and that in fact, his pants are square (and cardboard). His friend Patrick (the starfish) is often seen without his pants – this was suspicious. After that I was thoroughly entertained by the story of how SS tries to save his boss Mr. Krabs, who’s been framed for stealing King Neptune’s crown by Plankton (who’s competing with Krabs for his restaurant business). SS and Patrick head off in search of Shell City, encountering all kinds of unseemly creatures and obstacles along the way. Suffice to say that they’re successful in the end, thanks in part to David Hasselhoff and his fabulous pectoral muscles. This is big fun for the whole family. The adults will get the in-jokes and the kids will be singing the “Gooby Goober” song forever. As to Spongbob’s sexual orientation? He’s a friggin’ sponge! What do you think?