Mick, Keith, You and Me

by Will Seeley

Let me tell you something off the top. I'm for sale, just like any good American. We all have our price, right? I play a little guitar, and this week I took a gig playing jazz at a wedding only to discover that that they want me to play Beatles and Zeppelin instead. Where was my sense of outrage? I was amused, but I said OK, I'll do that. How much? Oh, for that amount, sure, I'll mop the floor too.

But you know, we all have to get buy. The fact of financial necessity doesn't stop me from a very unAmerican outrage at my old friends Mick and Keith. Besides the fact that they're miraculously alive and going strong, you say, what could you possibly have against the Stones?

Here it is: The Rolling Stones are now the official band of the NFL. The NFL can sell you branded NFL/Rolling Stones stuff. Every NFL commercial will now feature the Stones' music. The Stones, like they need the exposure, get to be the exclusive rock band at the Superbowl. I'm pretty sure the whole band gets a Superbowl ring too, regardless of who wins.

I'm getting old, because I can remember when it wasn't this way. There used to be a time when the music mattered and doing business with megacorporations was considered to be selling out, the greatest sin. A time before product placement, a time before movie stars appeared in TV commercials and did guest spots on sitcoms, a time before reality TV. As much as I might want to return to those days, I know it's just wasteful romanticizing. But I would encourage us all to be enraged.

Consider this: in one of the most shameful moves yet, when the Stones tour this fall, they will issue a special edition of many of their classic albums, for sale at stores everywhere. What's special about it? You get a cardboard sleeve around the CD (known in the trade as an O-card) with special graphics. The graphics are different in the United States and the UK. Collect them all! Are there bonus tracks? Nope. Is anything else different than the last time you bought the album. Nope. Are you a sucker? Somebody certainly hopes so.

What they oughta do is just sell every copy of their CDs shrinkwrapped in packs of five. Because that's how many times they want you to buy the damn thing. Let's just dispense with the "anniversary edition" and "remaster" and all that and call a spade a spade (although I think sometimes remasters do sound better). You want us to buy it over and over again? Well let's do it up front. Five at a time. It'll still cost less than a t-shirt at your stupid concert.

It's small consolation that almost every evil thing about the record biz in its modern form and corporate tie-ins originated with the Rolling Stones in the 80s. Shortly after their last good record, I might add. I remember that we were all shocked that the boys were signing on with a beer company to sponsor their tour. It was sinful! At least it was a BEER COMPANY and not Nike or something, but still it was CORPORATE SELLOUT.

In fact, I don't even hold it against them. If the NFL wants to give the Stones a big check, or even if the Stones want to give the NFL a big check, and if the NFL and the Stones go into the bedroom together and shut the door, it's a free world. But we should at least give the Stones the big finger for reaming us financially and for playing us for chumps. We should tell them to fuck off when they only want to sell their CD or DVD at Best Buy or Wal Mart (like they did last year) because they get a kickback and thereby force us to shop at evil stores whose only goal in carrying music is to make us buy a big TV or washing machine. We should tell them to take a long walk off a short pier when they want us to pay $100 and up to watch them from the 450th row on the big screen TV next to the stage.

Classic Stones stuff (for me, especially the 60s era on ABKCO) is still great music. But they make me feel icky. I wonder if they have market research before they release an album? Do they push back the release date so they can better coordinate the corporate megablitz of tie-ins? Why do they stop at the NFL? Where's the cologne? Where's the line of cars designed by Keith? The chain of Rolling Stones Resort Hotels?

Here's my final idea: make better music, fuckers. I guess you don't have to really, because millions of people buy your crap and lick your feet and ask for more. We the people don't have to accept that our rappers and rock stars should be mega-moguls when they can't even come out with an albums' worth of good songs. Let's all agree to stop being so forgiving. Starting now!